Friends, today is a rough day.

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My sweet twinkies are 1 year old today. 1 YEAR!! 365 days!! What. The. Crap??? (Pardon my French!)

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365 days of having 3 daughters. 971 hours of nursing or pumping. (1678 hours total between all 3 kids.) 365 days of 3772 diapers.

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1 year ago today, I was going about my normal business, trying to get last things ready before my scheduled c-section in 1 week, trying not to panic about how much there still was to do. Went to my specialist for my bi-weekly checkup (twin pregnancies aren’t for people who dislike doctors, let me tell you!), and my blood pressure was *elevated.* It had been creeping up over the past week or so, to the point where I’d had to call my ob’s after-hours line a couple of times because of how high it was. But because of where I was in the pregnancy, the walk from the waiting room to the back was enough to raise my heart rate and blood pressure! 😂 We waited a few minutes, rechecked it a couple of times,  it went down to a more reasonable number, and the babies looked nice and healthy!

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Then a few hours later at my weekly ob appointment (again, twin pregnancies aren’t for people who don’t like having 3 doctors’ appointments per week, and having 5 doctors at once. Literally 5), and what do you know! It was elevated again! The nurse gave me a LOOK, and I was all, “NOPE. Not happening today. I have a week still!! Check it again!” She checked again 5 minutes later. Even higher. At that point, I tried convincing both her and my doctor that everything was fine and that my blood pressure was going to go back down all by itself, and they pretty much just laughed at me and shipped me off to hospital admission for monitoring.

On the way, I called Jamie and my mom to let them know what was going on. Jamie grabbed his go-bag, Sadie’s overnight go-bag, and Sadie, and headed in. My mom started quietly packing up the car without telling my dad, so he wouldn’t panic and immediately drive the 3.5 hours to get here. (Fun story, when we told them that we were getting induced with Sadie, my dad decided that he needed to be there right when she was born, so he made my  mom a bed in the back of their car, and drove overnight to San Antonio and beat us to the hospital by a solid 4 hours! 😂) 

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I got to spend an hour in the maternity ward at the hospital, getting monitored and kept watching my BP creep up and up and up. (For the record, I tried telling myself to not panic, since I knew it was going to make it go up even higher…and surprise! Telling myself not to panic did NOT help!) My OB laughed at me when I insisted everything would be fine, and said, “Okay we’re going to have these babies at 8:00!)

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My attractive compression socks came off, the hospital’s attractive compression socks came off, my very attractive delivery gown went on… just in time for Jamie to come put on his very impressive, very fancy, very large scrub pants (as you can see in this picture) and down we went to the operating room!
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Let me say, if you haven’t had a c-section, it’s very strange to feel so disembodied. You’re numb from the chest down, but you can feel the sensation of them working on you, because your body is shifting and getting pulled places… you’re cold you’re shaking, you’re stressing and trying not to panic (I had to get the valium so that I wouldn’t hyperventilate), and you’re just waiting 

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You’re waiting for something, for *anything*… you’re waiting for the doctor to tell you everything’s looking good, you’re waiting for her to tell you that they’re cutting into your uterus to the babies’ individual sacs, and then you’re just waiting for any sound at all…

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The doctors talking to each other. The beeping. The suction. The NICU team getting prepped.

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And the waiting. 

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That moment of waiting between when the doctor said she was cutting into the the sac for the first twin and when she pulls one baby out.

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Waiting for that first little cry to let you know that one daughter is okay.

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One of the 3 longest moments of my life. 

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They held her over the sheet so I could see her, and the NICU team took her right away to get her measured and checked out. Even though technically 37 weeks is full-term for twins, it’s still “early,” so between that and my gestational diabetes and my high blood pressure, they wanted to make sure that she was okay. Jamie was with her and trying to take pictures for me because I couldn’t see anything that was going on (I was literally strapped down to the table), and my doctor started cutting into the second sac for the second twin.

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Cue another forever long moment of waiting. 

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Waiting for any news from the NICU team.

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Waiting for any news from beyond the sheet.

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Waiting for another cry. For another baby. For anything. 

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I finally got to hear Twin B cry, and I got to see her before they whisked her away for checking too, and brought Twin A over to show me her beautiful face! That wave of relief is unmatched by anything else. Hearing those angry, pitiful cries instead of silence sends a tsunami of emotions through you, and seeing your healthy babies for the first time magically subtracts and adds stress at the same time! 

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I barely remember my recovery right after the c-section, aside from a few moments of Maggie and Cassie latching onto me and nursing for the first time while they were balanced on my chest. We got to be in the hospital for 4 days, which was wonderful, because we had a chance to try and figure out how the heck we’re going to be doing this and taking care of two babies at once. That second night, we were literally up with them until 6:30, at which point one of the nurses came in, and insisted on taking them to the nursery so we could get some sleep! 👼  One was up, then the other was up, then the first one was up again, so it was a little challenging! That, plus the giant incision through my abdominal wall! 

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Since that first night 365 days ago, we’ve gotten to watch them grow into enormous, giant, humongous girls with their own little personalities…their own zest for life…their own special and particular way of enjoying life and doing things! If you’d asked me a year ago today, I would have told you, “Hey, they’re twins, they’re going to do everything the same, they’re going to act the same, they’re going to look the same, they’re going to talk the same, and they’re going to behave the same way!”

Now I find it hilarious that I ever thought that way for one instant! Pretty quickly, we could tell that their personalities were remarkably different. Cassie (Twin A) (the one who was breech the entire pregnancy and made me have to have a C-section) is already at 1-years-old a very stubborn, very opinionated, and very hard-headed little girl who is whip-smart, clever, and serious…she loves to giggle after she has acclimated and feels safe in a situation; she is fiercely independent and a Mama’s-girl-cuddle-bug at the same time (which is a very interesting line to tread, especially when you’re trying to make sure that all three of your kids getting equal attention!)!

Maggie (Twin B), on the other hand, is one of the most laid-back, chill kids I have ever met! She is always ready with a smile, she is  always laughing or giggling, and she is always excited about everything! She likes to dive right in and just (politely) grab something that she wants to play with, and and she takes things at her own pace! 

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That’s in comparison to Cassie, who, upon realizing that she could crawl, started crawling headlong into any and every direction that she could go, as long as it meant that she was moving! Maggie has been army crawling for the last two months, because while she can crawl, it’s a lot faster army crawl, so she just wants to army crawl and forget this whole newfangled way of doing things! 😂

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One thing they have in common is that they both love their big sister Sadie beyond measure! They will crawl over to her as fast as they can whenever she comes into a room, and if they’re nursing, they whip themselves off the nipple and crane their heads back as far as they can go so they can watch her play or have fun or do whatever it is that she wants to do! They love the dog and the cat (who doesn’t reciprocate the feelings)! They love Mommy, and they love Daddy (unless Mommy’s around), and they love learning and exploring everything around them! 

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To be honest, I never pictured myself as a girl mom. From the first time that I even thought about having kids, I’ve always pictures boys! I always figured I would be a great boy mom! I like boys better than girls (no offense, girls), and I like to dig in the dirt and have fun and play outside! I have no idea who the different Kardashians are, or the appropriate way to blend eyeshadow, or the right kind of brush to put foundation on with, or if you put on foundation with a brush! So when we found out that our first kid was going to be a girl, it took me aback because I didn’t know how to handle a girl. (Especially since everybody says boys are easy, and girls are the hard ones!)

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I was very hopeful that especially once we found out we had the 2-for-1 K-mart Blue Light Special in my womb, that at least one of them was going to be a boy! I felt like surely, God wouldn’t be so cruel as to give me (a self-professed tomboy) no boys, and 3 girls total! I was pretty upset when I found out I had no Y chromosomes in my body. Gender disappointment is a very real thing, but now I can’t imagine my life without them!

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I’m so scared to raise 3 girls in the world that we live in now where anything (in a bad way) can happen to them. I don’t know how I’m going to handle not being able to hurt someone in retaliation if they hurt one of my daughters. At the same time, I also know that, especially in the world that I hope that we are are headed into, anything (in a good way) can happen to them! I am more than prepared for one of my girls to end up being president! (It’ll be Cassie, I can already tell you right now! She’s going to be the go-get-em girl that you want in charge!)

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I’m excited and thrilled at the prospect of my girls being role models for other women , for them to on leadership roles, to watch them be strong and brave and independent and leaders and women of action! Now I just have to figure out how to get them there!